Dear The Weekly,

Hello again. Rishi here.

Did you see me on the telly on Wednesday? My mum and dad are properly proud of me. If you ever get the chance to be Chancellor of the Exchequer, even for a day, take it. It is really great fun spending other people’s money. Between you and me though, I have had a pretty torrid initiation. Over my first month in office, the FTSE 100 has crashed by over 28% and even worse, the nation’s 62% stake in RBS whose shares have tanked from 228.7p (on my Coronation Day) to 130.7p at close of business on Friday. Heaven knows what Gordon Brown was thinking when he initially bought them at 499p. You might have spotted that I didn’t mention any of that in my Budget! And they are even blaming me for the price of Brent crude oil plummeting from $56.34 to $32.75… which is completely out of order. My old boss tweeted me yesterday and reckoned that I would have been out on my ear if this had happened at Goldmans. On the positive side though, 10 year gilts are down to 0.42% pa having previously dipped to an all-time low of just below 0.10% on Monday. So, by my way of thinking, substantially gearing up our debt now makes complete sense. Anyway, if the country does get into a bit of financial bother, there’s bound to be a VC firm out there somewhere who would want to buy the business (whoops!) country.

Enough of that. What did you make of my first Budget? I know what you are thinking… that it was written by DC and BJ. Well yes, they were involved but I can assure you that some of it was my own work. Although I tried, it’s obvious that you can’t please everyone all the time. Do you remember me saying that I had invited Christopher Pincher, the Housing Minister, around for tea a few weeks ago. Well, I have discovered he is quite a tough old bird. Apparently he has curbed the planning powers of eight councils (all in London and the South East – including the City of London) for massively failing to meet their housing targets. Good on him. But what isn’t so good is that he has completely blown his gasket over my Budget and he has had the audacity to send me a really stroppy email. Well, tough turkey to him, I say. He needs to know his place. Just read this:

Dear Rishi. I know I tweeted that it was a brilliant Budget but I thought we had a deal. I agreed to give you house price growth and you agreed to really increase my pocket money. I kept my part of the bargain... a 2.8% quarterly increase in February (according to the Halifax), the fastest pace since October 2015. And what did you give me? A 2% increase in SDLT for overseas buyers. Well, thanks a lot! I have been working my butt off to sort out the housing crisis and if you think that giving me £643 million to tackle rough sleeping and £12 billion over this Parliament to build affordable homes is anyway near enough, then you need to get out of your luxury flat in Number 11 and smell the coffee! Everyone knows that it will take the best part of £5 billion every year just to sort out London. Come on Rishi… show me the money! Christopher.

Personally, I think that’s a bit harsh. And everyone else is on my back about my decision to delay our response to the National Infrastructure Assessment. I know we received it 18 months ago but let’s face it, since then, the Court of Appeal has blown up Heathrow’s expansion, the rail franchise system has fallen into disarray, Flybe has collapsed and we have needed to draw a deep, deep breath on the explosive costs of HS2. And now people want us to safeguard every building in the land from flooding. You will have picked up that I have agreed to chuck £5.2 billion into flood defences. It’s clearly not enough but I can’t do everything at once.

It is generally well known that I am interested in cricket, which, I guess, goes with the territory of being a Yorkshire lad. But I couldn’t help thinking that the email I received a week or so ago from the committee at Worcestershire CCC was taking the Michael. They sent me the two photographs above saying that they want me to pay them a shed load of compensation for not providing enough protection along the River Severn. Apparently New Road has been flooded five times this winter and the ground had been underwater for 66 of the previous 131 days. My response was brief and to the point:

Dear Sirs. Thank you for your email. Firstly, you can whistle for any compensation. And secondly, in this world of entrepreneurship and getting things done, instead of complaining, how about taking advantage of your situation and inventing a new water-cricket format? With the way our climate is going it may be a winner. I imagine you will need face-masks but, if you are smart, they could serve a dual purpose. I know just the man to kick-start it for you – Graeme Swann. (Get it?). Rishi.

Did I tell you that I am keen on movies? How galling is it that the launch of the latest Bond film has been postponed to 12 November. I had no say in that decision but I have had a say in the launch of the new James Bond coin collection. It’s wicked. I am not embarrassed to tell you that I shall be applying for the job when Daniel Craig steps down. My name’s Sunak, Rishi Sunak. There’s a sort of ring to it, don’t you think? And, if you promise to keep it a secret, the new baddie in No Time to Die can be revealed by clicking here.

Let’s speak again soon.

Rt Hon Rishi Sunak MP
11 Downing Street
London SW1