Hello Everyone.

My name is Rt Hon Sajid Javid MP. I have been top dog at Culture, Business, Communities, Housing, the Home Office and Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Anyway, as part of the Cabinet reshuffle on 24 July, I was promoted to Secretary of State for Health and Social Care. Given the pandemic, the PM said that it was an outstanding opportunity for me to shine, and I agree. He told me to ‘’Ramp it Up’’. And I have. Just look at the numbers – new cases have more than tripled from 28,652 (when I took office) to around 100,000 per day. That level of growth leaves even industrial property in the shade!

We have so many new and exciting initiatives in my department. For instance, one of the first things we did was to come up with some brand-new Christmas cracker jokes. It’s part of my brilliant new national mental health strategic plan. In times of despair like this, what better way to cheer up people than a side-splitting joke?

Here they are:

Who in Chris Whitty’s family has not been invited to Christmas this year? Aunty Vaxxer.
Which vaccine was offered to the Three Kings? The Wiser Jab.
With what does Father Christmas wash his hands? Santa-tiser.
Why did Rudolph need to self-isolate? Because his nose failed the Lateral Glow Test.
Which vaccine was given to Father Christmas? Mince Pfizer.
Who does Santa’s helpers contact if they feel poorly? The National Elf Service.
What do you get if you accidentally swallow tree decorations? Tinsilitis.
What does Santa feel when he is climbing down the chimney? Claus-trophobic.
Why has Santa never been seen in an NHS hospital? Because he has private elf care!

Let’s be honest. They are brilliant, aren’t they?

I reckon that if I can maintain this sort of world-class standard, and win over the likes of The Weekly’s readership, I should have a cracking chance of becoming PM when Boris gets tipped overboard! If you are lying in bed with Covid-19 over the holiday period, it would be great if you could spare a moment to drop me a line on how I might win the race to Number 10.

Anyway, I must dash. The PM is holding an impromptu Christmas party gathering in Downing Street.

Saj

The Weekly will return on Sunday, 9 January when our good friends, Bull and Bear, will be back with a fresh and gripping new series.

Meanwhile, from everyone at St Bride’s Managers and Boost Charitable Trust, may we wish you a smashing Christmas and a Happy and Healthy 2022.