Dear The Weekly,

Hi. It’s me again. Dishy Rishi. I know Boris has re-imposed restrictions on the size of gatherings, but it really is now time to get back to work. Let there be no more distractions and let’s get on with it! I have thrown a ton of money at you over the past six months, but I am afraid it’s now pay-back time.

Apparently today is National Peanut Day, International Chocolate Day and Bald is Beautiful Day. These are exactly the sort of distractions I am talking about! We just don’t have time for this nonsense. On the other hand, it is also National Positive Thinking Day. And boy/oh boy, do we need some positive thinking. The virus has knocked us flat and, on top of that, getting a trade deal with the EU by the end of the year is looking mighty precarious.

So, let’s get a grip. What we want now are some really imaginative ideas. For instance, last week, I was trying to think of some inspirational ways of raising some dosh when Dominic Cummings suggested that I robbed a bank. To be honest, I am rather taken by the idea. So, I have spent the last few days on-line doing some in-depth research. Heat, A Fish Called Wanda and Bonnie & Clyde were all informative documentaries, but I reckon that Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid is my best guide. However, I can tell you that I won’t be wasting my time on banks in Bolivia nor, for that matter, in Italy. They are even more bust than we are! The US might have been an option, but I alighted on a case where, in Minneapolis, a robber of the First Federal Savings & Loans Association of Chicago gave one of the tellers a hand-written note on his way out - ‘Thank you and have a nice day’! Ugh! How cringe-worthy! No… I think it will have to be Brussels. It would be a fitting end to our EU membership, don’t you think? I know that it will be breaking the law, but that doesn’t seem to matter anymore. And anyway, the obvious thing is not to get caught. But hey, if we do, we will just deny it like VP has done for years over the Litvinenko, Skripal and now Navalny poisonings, and all their sports drugs-cheating.

And whilst on the subject of sport, according to GSN (Greatest Sporting Nation), Great Britain has risen two places to be ranked fourth in the world (2016-2019) for sport behind the US, France and Russia. Well, we can discount Russia for starters because of ‘you know what’. And France? What are they saying… that they are good at boules? So, in this new world of spin and fake news … that puts us second!! And all on our watch. Well done us. Yippee! I would send a congratulatory note to the minister of sport if I knew who it was!

At last! After months of badgering from people in my department, I see that the main valuers have finally released themselves from their materiality clause. As some of the (retail) funds now re-open, hopefully this will prod them into marketing some of their assets for sale. At least this would bring back a bit of action into the market. And that is exactly what we want… lights, camera, Action… with a capital A. And don’t forget, more deals mean more lovely tax… for meeee!

Robert… when we were chatting last week about what you thought your readers would like me to cover in this letter, I loved your story about the 4-day course you have just been on. You said that there were nine of you and the attendees came from a range of global industries including a lawyer, an ex-Royal Marine, an advertising executive, a private wealth manager and a former MI5 officer. These are exactly the sort of creative minds we should be tapping. I was impressed that beyond your rigorous outdoor orienteering activities (avoiding trees, long grass and lakes), your discussions embraced a string of thorny topics. I think I am correct in saying that your agenda included Brexit, international law, the pandemic, the Red Wall, the validity of HS2, climate change, the sustainability of the UK’s union (now that Shetland want to go it alone too), the modernisation of the Civil Service and the BBC, the changing world order, the future of the office and the High Street, and the British economy. Wow! That’s more than the Cabinet covers in an entire Parliamentary session. And I just loved your conclusion. Supposedly, despite some far-ranging negative (sometimes hostile) contributions, the group unanimously agreed that the UK was still the very best place on earth to live. Hooray! I love it. That’s great positive thinking. I rushed in to tell Boris the good news. But he was mid-session with his fitness guru and I am afraid that the best I could get out of him was a grunt. Of course, I have now cottoned on that you were all on a golf course. You had me fooled for a while. Good one.

Just to wrap up then, I thought you would be interested to know that a recent study by the Boston University of Medicine of over 70,000 men and women has demonstrated that optimistic people live 11-15% longer than pessimists… proving the wisdom of Monty Python’s recommendation to ‘Always look on the bright side of life.’ I certainly do - which isn’t that difficult, of course, when you are splashing the cash.

Anyway, I had better get back to my day job. Best wishes, and enjoy your ‘Be Positive’ Sunday.

Lots of Love,

Rishi.