Bull: What on earth are you wearing?

Bear: It’s my Elvis-inspired white and gold braided jump suit. It’s cool, isn’t it? I wear it twice a year to celebrate his birthday and the day he went to the great rock festival in the sky. Did you know that he died forty-three years ago today? He was only forty-two.

Bull: Yes; and I have every one of his eighteen number one records and the video tapes of the thirty-one films he was in. But that is still no excuse for you dressing up like that!

Bear: Everyone to their own. And anyway, what’s wrong with a little light-heartedness amongst all this pandemic stuff. After all, I was due to fly over to the US to take part in the candlelight vigil tonight outside his home, Graceland, in Memphis. I tried to persuade the Foreign Office that COVID-19 is a human thing and that bulls and bears should be exempt from social distancing and quarantining, but they weren’t budging!

Bull: Cheer up. After all, today is also National Tell A Joke Day. Have you heard these two? ‘’On the way to last year’s vigil, a minibus had a nasty crash. It was packed with Elvis fans. Thankfully, there were no fatalities, but they were All Shook Up!’’

Bear: That’s pathetic.

Bull: Okay. What about this one? ‘’Be careful. There is an e-mail scam going around at present. Apparently, it cons people into thinking that they have won a prize – either £200 in cash or tickets to an Elvis tribute show. The ‘lucky’ recipient is invited to push One for the money, or two for the show!’’

Bear: Come on. We can’t waste everyone’s time with all this nonsense! We need to tell them what has been going on in the property market. I have prepared a table of the key statistics and it is obvious that we are staring at a catastrophe.

Bear’s Bearish Stats

Q2 GDP (ONS)

-20.4%

Number of staff furloughed (HMRC)

9.6 million

Total Quantitative Easing (BoE)

£745 billion

All Property Total Return 12 months (MSCI)

-2.9%

Shopping Centres Capital Growth 12 months (MSCI)

-26.9%

Average Rent Collection Q2 after 35 days (Remit)

63.3%

End of the world (Messiah Foundation)

2026

Bull: Chin up, Bear. I have prepared my own table from which you can see that if you are a whizzo speculator like me, it’s a great buying opportunity. In my view, and as Elvis would have put it ‘’It’s now or never’’. And Boris’s changes to the planning system are only going to help further. It is going to be an almighty free-for all!

Bull's Bullish Stats

Interest Rates i.e cheap mortgages (BoE)

0.1%

All Property Income Return (MSCI)

4.6%

10-year Gilts (FT)

0.2%

Spread (I love it!)

4.4%

Best performing asset class over 10 years - Property

7.4%

Joint best performing asset class over 5 years - Property

4.7%

Best summer ever with no commuting

2020

Bear: Here we go again. It is another classic case of ‘’Only fools rush in’’.

Bull: What a ‘’Suspicious mind’’ you have. As I see it, the Government really wants us to get moving again. And frankly, if we don’t, we will all be ‘‘In the Ghetto’’. They are adopting a multi-pronged attack. And it feels good!

Firstly, from 1 September, there are major changes to the Use Classes Order. Most notably, offices, retail and cafes will be all grouped together under a new single E use class. And importantly, you won’t need planning consent to inter-change between these uses.
Secondly, from 31 August, subject to some height and other limitations, there will be new permitted development rights to add two additional floors to existing houses and blocks of flats.
Thirdly a White Paper has just been published which requires local authorities (within two and a half years) to designate defined areas for growth, renewal or protection. Supposedly, development in growth areas will not require planning. Our good friends at Iceni Projects have published an excellent summary of the details (click here)

Bear: I wouldn’t hold your breath on that one, if I were you. The White Paper is crammed full of ‘ifs, buts and maybes’.

Bull: Okay, but our new best friend, Dishy Rishi, is handing out a whole bunch of fresh grants and incentives, and the rise in the stamp duty threshold from £125,000 to £500,000 is a dream.

Bear: I bet your residential estate agency friends are rubbing their hands with glee. It reminds me of an extraordinary event I witnessed last year. It involved a West End estate agent. I will call him Hugo to protect his anonymity.

He had parked his brand-new Porsche outside his office to show it off to his colleagues. Just as he was getting out, a van swept past and took off the door. When the police arrived, Hugo was completely beside himself, screaming hysterically, ‘’My Porsche is absolutely ruined.’’

The policeman looked bewildered and responded. ‘’I can’t believe how materialistic all you estate agents are. You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.’’

Hugo was none-too-pleased with this reprimand, and spat out ‘’How can you say such a thing at a time like this?’’ The policeman said, ‘’Don’t you realise, sir, that your right arm has been torn off?’’ ‘’OMG’’ said Hugo. ‘’Where’s my Rolex?’’

Bull: Good one, Bear. And if you want to watch something funny, click here for Stewart Lee’s short sketch on estate agent infestation.

Have a good ‘Tell a Joke’ Sunday… and remember in the words of the King, "You are always on our minds".