Dear The Weekly,
I have been going through Sajid Javid’s files and came across the email he sent to you three weeks ago. I understand from Dominic Cummings that it was this sort of ‘man of the people’ stuff that got him booted out of Number 11. Let me introduce myself and my role as the new spender-in-chief of your money.
My name is Rishi Sunak. I am a millennial. I was born in 1980 which means that, at the age of 39, I am the second youngest-ever Chancellor of the Exchequer behind my super-hero, George Osborne. As far as I can see from Wikipedia, the role of Chancellor goes back to 1221, and I am the 151st different incumbent, although a few held the office on more than one occasion. So, like the England cricket team, one of the first things I am going to do is get the number emblazoned on my official robe. I reckon it will look pretty cool, don’t you?
You might wonder how I have got the time to be writing to you with the Budget now less than three weeks away. That’s an easy one. I have really nice neighbours. On my moving-in day, they popped in to see me. They brought over a lovely cake with snowflake icing and, as we were having our herbal tea, they just volunteered to do all the background stuff for me. I couldn’t believe my luck.
Like you, I have a finance/investment background... Goldman Sachs and then a hedge fund, where I was the co-founder. I guess that was where I first learned to spend invest other people’s money. In truth, I don’t like it... I love it! I know that Sajid talked about a budget of £850 billion. Well, I can tell you right now, it is going to be much more than that under my regime. With rates so low... why wouldn’t you just pile up the gearing?
I have just read your Bull and Bear Property Visions for 2020. I enjoyed it. But may I offer you some advice? Next time, why don’t you call it The Bull and Bull Report? That way you would be much more aligned with the Government’s views. And all that down-beat stuff about retail. Come on! The sector needs to get a grip. Stop the whinging. And don’t think for one moment that we are going to bail out the sector. You property people created the problem... so you can sort it. See it, say it, sort it.
That said, the PM is doing his bit to help. Did you know that barber shops are the fastest growing sector on the High Street? That’s all down to him, you know. I haven’t got the 2019 figures yet but apparently the number of barber shop outlets grew by 69% between 2016-18. And there were 813 net new openings in 2018 alone. Supposedly, beauty salons and vape shops come in second and third respectively.
On a slightly different matter, I was talking to Oliver Dowden yesterday about his new role as Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, especially as this is such an important sporting year. You will be comforted to know that he has excellent credentials. Last July, he visited a school in Borehamwood and joined in their rounders match! So, under his leadership, Bull and Bear’s predictions of 56 Olympic and 132 Paralympic medals in Tokyo look like a shoo-in! Are you planning to go?
And, as you highlighted in last week’s edition of The Weekly, the new housing minister is Christopher Pincher. No... I hadn’t heard of him either. So I invited him over last week to Number 11 for a ‘get-to-know-you’ chat. There is no doubt that he’s a nice bloke, but he may well have already fallen into the ‘Javid Trap’. He’s trying to be a man for the people. Apparently, immediately after his appointment, he tweeted... ‘This Government will deliver on our commitment to housing that people need'. What on earth was he thinking? How could the Government possibly ever deliver on such a commitment? But his even bigger misjudgement was that he didn’t get DC’s prior approval to send out the tweet! A schoolboy error, if ever there was one.
I have been doing a bit of research on the role of the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Apparently, I am now the second-most important person in the Government. Wow! On the downside though, I only get a base salary of £79,468 plus a £71,090 fixed bonus (for being Chancellor). Compared to the sort of package I am used to, that’s not much to write home about. So, I have devised a new incentive package for myself. Basically, using the standard hedge fund incentivisation model, I plan to take a personal performance fee of 15% of all national earnings over the Bank of England’s GDP forecast return for this year of 0.75%. Subject, of course, to a minimum bonus of the current £71,090. With the amount of gearing I have in mind, that should be easily achieved. What do you think? Or do you think I should press for a 20% out-performance fee?
Anyway, let’s keep in touch.
Warmest regards.
Rt Hon Rishi Sunak MP
Chancellor of the Exchequer